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Wednesday, October 5th, 2016
1:11 am - Huh
(Old post from a year or two ago I think)

"Iridescent are the dancing shadows.
The frosted hands of loneliness grips my throat.
Remind me once more, why do I keep surviving?"


So....been a looooong time since I bothered to dust this thing off, and after seeing my friends page, it seems I barely know anyone who bothers with LJ anymore...So it should be a safe place to post.

Mom died in August, and I get a card addressed to her by a cousin...It was dated for December...Who lives across the bay. Some how he doesn't know that my mother passed away. Just...awsome. Granted he's a well off family member, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

Moved in with some friends, and it's been....a new experiance for sure. It's not as smooth running as I had hoped. Not to surprising I guess. With things vanishing, people bitching, and arguing, and such.

Gotta keep the peace.

Always feeling like the one outside, looking in. People wanting things done, but not wanting to do it themselves. Hell I haven't unpacked half my stuff expecting something to happen and have to repack. Others just seem to take naturally to 'taking over'.

Gotta keep the peace.

Trying to find a job is getting impossible. I'm out of cash, out of phone time, and every place I look into wants experiance, or a college degree. I knew this was going to happen. Why I wanted to get back to school, but hey...It's my life, so I shouldn't be surprised, right? Nothing works out for the better. I hate having to rely on others.

I haven't even really broken down about Mom yet, but close. Things keep slipping my mind more and ore lately, and I think the holiday season has just gotten to me. I do miss her. After all more then half my life has been taking care of her, or helping her in some way.

People say, "Can't you just ask for help?" No one to really ask though, but my Sister and I am sure she feels she has helped enough with just helping to pack up some, and move stuff.

I haven't even posted thoughts on most social sites for a while for varoius reasons. After all can't say some things, without the worry it'll get back to the wrong people. Best to not create waves, be the nail sticking up, or such.

Gotta keep the peace.

Yet....
Folks decided to make food for all, but me. That's not too surprising. What really urked me, was the need they felt to put another persons intials on the plate they saved. As if the plastic wrapped plate wasn't enough to say, "Hey, we are saving it." Okay, that is one. Another says it's for Dar...Okay that's two...Then putting the initals on it, while I stand there. No words spoken then...That's three. So...that's three instances...Okay...This from those who seem to eat everything in sight. The first time, sure. Its informative. The second...Okay, that's a bit rude and annoying. The third? Down right insulting, more so with me standing there.

Gotta keep the peace.

Of course I take it as a personal insult. QAfter all I have fed others when I could afford it, and another even used things I bought without asking. I shouldn't have to put my name on certain things. If you didn't buy them then why use them? Seems though it's fine if I share my stuff, but others feel the need to be rude.

Gotta keep the peace.

Hell I haven't even brought up the cancer-stick-stinking issue as of late. You'd think people would at least have enough respect for others to NOT force that stench on others, but nope. Their personal need first.

Gotta keep the peace.

Doesn't help I'm out of muscle relaxers early cause one person gets bitchy, and accusing if she's sober for a day. She takes way to much of alot of things. Out of my anti-anxity meds to. None of that's helping. Oh and the queen bee syndrom. Expecting others to answer the door, or do what here paranoia insist on. I feel bad for one persons friend over it. Granted I'm a bit paranoid at times, but I don't insist on others to do my dirty work.

Gotta keep the peace.

Little white lies keep things calm...for the most part. Best to keep things calm. Though it's hard sometimes. Like one person bitching about people leaving dishes all over, as if they do it on purpose for her to clean. Then she drops a one time used butter knife into a pot of dirty water, instead of bending over the 3 inches to drop it into the dishwasher...While she's bitching to me about people not doing their part.

Gotta keep the peace.

Then the issue of things vanishing. Be it booze, meds, or the such. I have a suspician, but sorta hard to just point a finger when others don't see how the person acs without them around. More so I don't think the person realizes what their doing. Sure I have had a few drinks, but I was under the impression I was allowed to, or bought my own. I also say yes when asked if I have. No need to really lie about it. I am the most likely suspect I'm sure. It's well known I enjoy a drink now and then. I drink when I want to though, not when I need to. Helps with the pain as well.

Gotta keep the peace.

Just need to find work, and maybe that'll help some. Then I wouldn't feel so guilty, and such. I hate relying on others. Just hard to find any. I keep checking online, and without bus fair...Not that I saw any signs about wanting to hire. StilL waiting on the fucking idiots who okay guard cards. Sent that back in Oct.

Why does nothing ever want to work out for me?
So much stress.
I have even been staying in my room to avoid having to listen to certain things when others aren't around. Odd seeing how I used to thrive on others negativity. I even enjoyed listening to other folks describe their world crumbling, cause then it told me there were others I knew without better lives.

Just hard to deal with that stuff now. I keep hoping the new year will bring something good.

Well there is at least one light at the end of the tunnel. *Smiles a touch*

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Friday, December 31st, 2010
2:12 pm - Happy New Year
Happy New Years to the folks I know.


Lets see, resolutions..
To drink less! *Eyes the Rum and Coke on my shopping list for tonight*
Starting the 2nd!
Haha, see, loop hole. Start date.

To get more social, and stop being a under thirty hermit, before I go insane...Unless it's just to late for that.

Get back to school would be awesome, but thats not really my choice.

To drink more if life stays shitty. If you can't live it, drink till you can dream it. *Snickers*

To get my hair cut down some, cause it's getting to ridicules lengths.
Down to my ass is just to long.

To arrange my room in such a way it's not a death trap to people visiting me.
I mean I can move around fine, but others seem to have issues for some reason.

I'll think of more after the drinks start I'm sure.


So HAPPY NEW YEARS to all.

Spank the new year baby for luck, and deck Father Time if your last year was horrible...*Gets out the sap gloves* Come here old man.....


HAHAHA Getting close to 2012, place your bets for the end of the world in 12-2012!
Taking bets now!
Will the world end in 2012?
Are you looking forward to it?
Will the aliens finally attack and take humanity over as their sex slaves for their porn inspired fetishes?
Will Cthulhu make it to KFC in time for his bouncing baby squid to be born in the coleslaw?
Find out next time, same crazy time, same crazy channel

current mood: sleepy

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Tuesday, July 20th, 2010
6:29 pm - Bahahahaha, yeah right

I write like
Arthur Conan Doyle

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!




current mood: amused

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6:12 pm
....Why is this stuck in my head?

"And out of the darkness, the Zombie did call
True pain and suffering he brought to them all
Away ran the children to hide in their beds,
for fear that the devil would chop off their heads *Giggles*"

Damn it I haven't listened to that album in years. Curse you Rob Zombie!.....Damn I love that man.

current mood: blah

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Sunday, February 14th, 2010
12:32 pm - It's that time of the year!
That's right ladies and gent's.
Once a year it comes around, and it's a day for celebration.
Red being an important color, gifts given, to aim for that person you want to target!

That's right, its the day to celebrate the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre!
Yes folks, the day that brutal murder happened in the neighborhood of Lincln Park in Chicago on this day in 1929!

Remember though to have better aim, and smarter thugs working for you, as the intended target Bugs Moran wasn't even at the scene of the massacre!
Now how do you like that?

A waste of good ammo.

So enjoy and remember this all important day of the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre!

current mood: tired

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Sunday, February 7th, 2010
5:16 pm
Wow it's been years since I last updated this one. I don't even use my other LJ all that often. *Murmurs* not that anyone gives a fuck *LOL*

Nothing's really changed.
Life suck, suffer, be bored, be bitter, in pain, and die a little more every day.


Went to a concert thing last week, was all right.
Way to many good looking people though, more so a pair was making out, groping and doing things in public with kids around they shouldn't have.
Pretty sure they were on drugs with how they were moving.

The band Abney Park played, I like them alot now.

Guess that was the main thing that's happened this year.

Yep, that's about it.
Guess I'll go nap before I go and clean, cook and do dishes. Like I do every fucking day of this so called life.

current mood: indescribable

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Friday, October 19th, 2007
9:34 pm - A few things
"It's said understanding comes, when all hope is lost, all light is gone, and your life is truly over.
Sometimes though, a ring of truth can be heard in the storm."

First things first, my mother had CT Scans done a few weeks ago, and according to them, the cancer hasn't regrown. The main concern the scans come up with is her Chrones colitis, and a unknown mass on her spleen, but where the cancer was located looks clear. Though it is in her, it maybe going into remission thanks to her Chemo!

I got a hair cut today, Dionne suggested the place to me. The girls name was Delana or something, pretty cool. She's a self-proclaimed 'rocker'. We talked alot during the thing. Normally I sit like a statue and say little to nothing, but we had stuff in common. She reminded me of one of those drama/goth girls from High School *L* Think I'll go back if I get a trim in the next half a year *L* I like the length my hair is at right now. Easy to brush, and doesn't weigh my head back as much and it just 'feels' healthier. Thanks D ^^

Another thing, she got me a memory card for my cam, which increases its holding capacity from like 12 to 124 (if you include the internal of 12)
Thanks again ^^

I have had a migraine nearly all day, got 2 or so hours of sleep last night, after taking 2 pills for insomnia and a pain killer.
Figures right? I took like a 5 minute crash out nap earlier, and that seemed recharge me enough to want to RP *L*
Now I just need to get money for the con (Which is doubtful, as it's in a week) and money to pay bills.

current mood: hopeful

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Wednesday, September 19th, 2007
5:35 pm - Stuffs
"The skys darken, and the sun is put to shame.
The first scent of the year's death comes with the rain.
All times of struggle end, with the understanding of pain."

Wow, I have like no money to my name and bills piling up, joy....
My birthday is soon, and that means so is my moms, which with no money means I feel cheap not able to get her something.
I'm mainly afraid though that it could possibly be her last, that's abit of a strain on my nerves, I can't even considered what's in her mind.
Life is life, confusing at times, but lucky for me I'm rather good with enigmas, or so it would seem.
I'm hoping I can make my con at the end of October, its like the one thing I want to attend that's coming up, something about not wanting to miss a convention that I've made since it started, and it's fun for me.

It's so nice though, that fall is coming.
The sky is lovely, the rains shall come soon, infact the first day of rain shall be a gift from nature, least if the forecast holds.

Every year, I get this strange want to do things like I did back in high school, which I'm not sure why.
Like suddenly missing sitting in a room with good friends, incense & candles as the main light source, and for the lovely scents, with Type O Negative playing, is that strange?
Other things running through my mind, I really do miss having my friends close by and able to spend time with them.
Tempted to make calls, but so low on money.

Meh, and for once I have energy, so I know the season is changing. Fall and Winter always means I'm more active. Summer and spring just sorta shuts me down.

I'm not even sure where I'm going with this, I hope it rains on my Bday, that would be nice. ^^

current mood: stressed

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Thursday, September 6th, 2007
4:10 am
....I may be suffering depression, but the next person who says i'm possible suicidel is getting a my axe up their ass...just a warning. Suicide is for the pathetic and weak........fair warning.

current mood: pissed off

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Wednesday, May 9th, 2007
8:48 pm - Warning: Gah! Flood Gate has broken
"Watch this now, the light is gone.
Feel the fear now that darkness comes.
Hear the laughs, and hear the cries.
Whimper and crawl, untill you die.
Whistle a tune, enjoy the moment.
Dream away the day, forget all that you dismay.
For soon my friend, you'll be nothing more then puree."


So yeah, a tire blew out on me last night.
Giving a gaming friend a ride to work since his car crapped out and....POPthudthudthudthud...
So had to pull off, tried to change it.
Damn, was like a pro almost.
Jumped out, got the tools out and started at it.
Each nut had to be practically broken to get them off.
Then of course, the god damn tire wouldn't come off.
Two AAA tow drivers tried to, the friend and even me.
It just wouldn't budge.
Soooo, not only did I get home late last night, little sleep this morning and had to dish a few hundred out...
I was late to math because of the repairs and then late to japanese cause I was studying.

I don't have this fucking money, I don't have the time and I'm at the edge of my wits and well being.
I am seriously sick of this shit.
One thing after a fucking another goes wrong for me.
Is this a sign?
Should I really go and shit on an alter or perhaps I should burn down the nearest church, maybe that'll get this shit off me.
I am seriously sick and tired of all this.
Mom may or may not be dieing, fucking waiting game.
One car dies, get another running and this shit happens.
I was right to boot, something bad happened under 1k miles of use.
Not to mention the fact my knees, head, stomach and ankle are all killing me right now. But that'll of course have to take a back seat to eveyrone and anyone elses complaints, cause that's just the nature of things.
Tired of people saying stuff like "Well I just had to have my headlight replaced."...As if that is as bad as someones transmission going out. Another good one you may ask? "My eye, it's been doing this tick thing all day, happens sometimes. Doesn't hurt but its annoying!" Oh yes, cause the shooting pain through a tooth is really less important then a natural body reaction.
Just...wow, so many people in this world over exgerate their minor problems and seem to think spilled milk on a easy to reprint essay is more important then..lets say, the 1906 San Francisco Earthquake and Fire.
Just to generalize of course.
And the fact my mom is gonna ask my cousin for a loan nearly makes me sick to my stomach, having to beg a family member for money...
Just fucking shoot me and get it over with all ready, who the fuck is getting the sick pleasure out of all this...cause it sure ain't me.
There's more of course, i just can't think of it all right now.


I need a big red button, vodka and a sammich now that's out of my system.

current mood: Disappointed in life

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Saturday, April 21st, 2007
1:06 am - Gnar i say
"As it was, everything made perfect sense.
Every peace fits, and nothing is left unturned.
The truth is, life just sucks."

So, after taking a risk, my car seems to be running decently.
I mean, it still eats gas, not as much as a savings as I was hoping, but long as it does the trick.
Right?

Well, turns out my mother went into the ER thursday night with extream pains in her back and side and they did a catscan, found some huge dark spots around her left kidney...so they send her home. Wonderful right? First they thought it was kidney failur, but the test say they are still working. So that's good. She's still laid up, feels like crap and shouldn't be left alone, but i have class. The hell am I suppose to do? I really have no clue. *Sighs*

So I'm extreamly low on funds, this happens with mom, my computer decided to refuse to connect to the net and i am having cronic headaches and areas on my body are sensitive and feel pain easily...oh and a mucle knott from hell in my calf. Joy, yes be greatful for a life that is not worth it, yes?

Soooo, I get to see here and think and worry and stress.
While fucking mental midgets next door play their crap ass music loud, smoking lord knows what, running around like chickens with their dicks cutt off and having a good time. Yet, I'm the one taking care of my mother. I'm the one trying to get a better life, and these fuck tards sit around all day laughing and blinding themselves with false enjoyment.

Fuck I can't sleep well with all this stress, I just keep expecting mom to say "take me to the hospital." paranoia or something, though this last time she really did call me out to fix her chair.
Damn it, I really don't think I could stand to take care of another dieing person I care for, done it once all ready, I'm too fucking young for all this. *Sighs* I really don't wanna end up like my mother though, no one with her and all. Terrible that is. Just so tired and stressed and...fuck, someone just shoot me.

So needless to say, no pissing me off for a while, I might bite and not in a good way.

current mood: stressed

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Saturday, February 10th, 2007
8:28 pm - Ever have the urge to crush anothers skull with your own?
"Come to me, you filthy little beast.
Bring to me what I crave, suffer for me to your grave."

Fucking eh!
Can't believe how much this news has pissed me off, depressed me and hurt me.
If I was weaker, I'd probably be willing to do something stupid like try drugs.
Just...fuck...
Can't focus on homework, can't focus on anything I need to get done.
*Grumbles* Damn it Ally, why is she still effect me?

Other stuff to boot, should kill a drug addict for fun.
It's not illegal right?
I mean, they are breaking the law and killing themselves, your saving their immortal soul if you kill them first, right?
Yay for logic...

current mood: melancholy

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Friday, January 5th, 2007
4:52 pm - Wellllllllllll,for the few who don't know
"The thunder boomed, rocking me ever so gently.
I looked to the sky, which burned like the fires of hell.
The sun had vanished, only an evil eye looked upon me.
A wise man, perhaps would bend knee, sadly for me, I kept walking.
Onwards, to where ever, just keeping keep.
Till the man, he comes around."

{PSA}
So, for those of you who does not know.
I'm dating a friend I met up here in humboldt as of New Years Day, a few of you met her.
Her name is Dionne, a bit of a RPer/goth/retro girl, into Rocky Horror and the like.
We have many things in common, a few not so common.
But it's nice to be in a relationship again, yes

current mood: confused

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Thursday, January 4th, 2007
2:27 am
"Out fromt he darkness the zombie did call, true pain and suffering he brought to them all.

Oh you know the rest, kill'em all!"

this is a random PSA, Rum is good.
Egg Nog can be some tasty shit, and I'm sleepy.
That is all, happy new year!
...

...

..

So I'm a little late, bite me!

current mood: amused

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Sunday, December 24th, 2006
12:44 pm
Happy Holidays
Well, it's that time of year soooo, Happy Hoildays to ya all.
Merry Christmas, Happy New Years, a cherry yule and all thoe other holidays! (See, I can be PC friendly...Now, where did I put that slave? Get out here hick!)

So yeah, good fortune and good time to you and yours.

Ta,

current mood: sleepy

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Thursday, November 16th, 2006
10:18 pm - Cause even I can be self-serving
Plus, don't you think you should give thanks for my help?
Come on, help the poor one out, give us something good, pweese? ^^
HTML URL'shttp://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/registry.html/104-5103412-2843914?ie=UTF8&type=wishlist&id=3KXIY2KX3LKND Wish list!

current mood: tired

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Thursday, September 21st, 2006
2:46 pm
Just cause I have to, again.
Need cheering up you know, today's mah Bday!
So like, don't be assholes or something, I dunno.
*Goes to hunt his math teacher*
Sure I have a weapon somewhere in my car...

current mood: annoyed

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Friday, March 24th, 2006
8:29 pm
LiveJournal Username
Spaceship Name
Spaceship Size
How is the spaceship piloted?
How is the spaceship powered?
What's the upholstery like on the seats?
How do you see outside the spaceship?
What's the spaceship's primary purpose?
What's the Captain's catchphrase?
Main Weapon System:Galactic Motion Inhibitor
Main Defensive System:A large baseball bat on an arm
Chance of catastrophic failure at critical moments
96%
Voice of the ship's computer:triphius
Finds mandatory uniform unflattering:cyrusmoon
Looks sexy in mandatory uniform:malkavianangel
Ripped sleeves off mandatory uniform:kinbu
Spends an unhealthy amount of time in the weapons locker:kitttieluv
This Fun Quiz created by Akhmed at BlogQuiz.Net
All the latest Music News at NewsDump



current mood: amused

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Tuesday, March 21st, 2006
8:52 pm
http://www.crush007.com/love.cgi?id=1143002832dbf

how amusing

current mood: silly

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Friday, March 17th, 2006
1:05 am - Jay Wilson
To one who was gentle, kind and could make me laugh. One could search the world over to find so few of his kind, A sad thing these days. Taking from his life far too soon, requiescat in pace.

current mood: sad

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